“This Is What Sugar Addiction Looks Like”

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post from Eileen

I walked into CrossFit Flagstaff and quickly pulled Lisa Ray into the bathroom. 

Lisa, I said excitedly, pulling up my shirt.  Look! I have never, ever been leaner.  Ever.  “it” is working!

Lisa looked at me with a huge smile.  She has seen me from the first day I walked into CrossFit in Sept, 2008 as a complete vegetarian sugar addict who never lifted a barbell over her head, to now, the paleo-coug (I’m old) who, after struggling through every baby step of changing my really bad nutrition, finally had a healthy, clean, non-sugared way of eating that was leaning me out and allowing me to get stronger.  WOW!  Be proud! She encouraged.  You deserve it!

I was going to visit my family.  Lisa also knew all about that. I’d written before about the binge trigger associated with walking into my sister’s front door.

You can do this! She said.

One day I am celebrating incredible success with Lisa.  Success like never before in my life.  My body is leaned out. I am comfortable with how I eat.  I eat meat, vegetables, some nuts and seeds, very little starch, and NO SUGAR. 

Less than two weeks later, I wrote this.  THIS is sugar addiction my friends.  It is real.

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Sooo.. it was ugly.  Days were easy.  Each night, after CrossFitting or Working out once with Skibicki (thanks Jamie!), then visiting my dad, I'd have a 10 minute drive home.

 That's when it started. 

An Addiction is not a silly little nasty habit you are too much of a pussy to shake.  Addiction is a force that is bigger than words.  If you aren't the addict type, forget it. You will NEVER understand. I would never try to explain it to you.

If you are the addict type, you know.

 So, it started in the car.  I knew I'd walk into a house filled with sugar.  I hadn't eaten any all day and was fine, thank you. I could avoid the kitchen and go straight to my room.  I should. That would allow me to wake up feeling WONDERFUL.

 That's what I would do.

The minute I entered the house, aka The Devil's Lair, IT took over. Right to the kitchen. There were two of me.  The rational observer, watching and literally saying – e, don't do this.  You don't have to.  Walk away.

 And the Force. That some other thing that said – Look, you're fine. Your sister said you look like you did when you were 16.  You know how to eat clean, you will do it again. You will start again tomorrow.

 The Challenge Mentality.  The psycho diet mentality.  I can do this, snap, tomorrow.

 It's not eating. It's a binge.  It starts with the first bite and you just make your way through.. whatever… until you are sick.  And it's fun. Until you are sick.  It feels good. It tastes heavenly. It's frikkin orgasmic.  It's the ultimate rebellion, against everything, omg I love this.. until you are sick.

 Waking up the next morning sucks beyond words.  You feel like SHIT.  You are saturated with sugar.  You are bloated.  The worst part is mental.  You feel like a failure.  You remember having had the choice to walk away. You remember walking in the door knowing you didn't have to go to the kitchen.  You know a rational part of you talked to you the whole time.

 At this moment, lying in bed with a sugar hangover, the Rational you is in full control and can't quite understand the Devil's Force. 

 Today is Day 1.  Again.  I'm not going to do that tonight.

 In the car, on the way home from Dad, it starts again.

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Eileen

Photo:  facebook loved the outfit, so here it is again!  What you don't see is that I bought these pants because they were LOOSE, I felt like crap, my eyes are puffy cause yes, it's early, but that's sugar my friends.  And I really didn't feel like smiling.

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